You Learn Something Every Day -- Jesus Hates the Poor and Homeless

From The Poor Man [via Turbulent Velvet] I came across an article that showed me how well Jesus's followers have internalized their saviour's teachings:

...even though we will always have the poor with us, as Jesus said, that doesn't mean those poor buggers shouldn't get out of the way of our SUVs.

"These homeless are bums, nothing but leeches on society," wrote a guy who signed himself Trav. "If we could push a button and make the homeless die and disappear without repercussions, nearly everybody would do it. I would. Good riddance."
&sdot &sdot &sdot
"After all," I wrote, "Once upon a time, a homeless couple came to Bethlehem, looking for shelter."

I was referring to the gospel story of Joseph and Mary, who was heavy with child, traveling from Nazareth to Bethlehem (60 miles by donkey) to be numbered in the census ordered by Emperor Augustus. Finding no room in the inn, they were forced to stay in a stable, where Mary delivered Jesus.

I thought it was pretty straightforward: The Gospels stress the strong identification Jesus had with the poor. But sharp-eyed Christians saw through the scriptural smokescreen to reveal my agenda: There I went again, shoving liberal dogma down their mouths. Thankfully, the righteous are smart. Especially the self-righteous.

"Your allegation that Mary and Joseph were homeless is just a plain lie," wrote Jerry. "They were no more homeless than you would be if you showed up at a posh hotel without a reservation and were turned away."

Oh, that could never happen, Jerry. If my servants screwed up a reservation, I would have them flogged.

"Joseph and Mary were NOT homeless," wrote Steve. "They were forced to go to Bethlehem by Caesar Augustus, who undoubtedly was the world's first liberal Democrat."
&sdot &sdot &sdot

And so on...it's enough to make Baby Jesus cry, I tell you what...

The comments regarding this article at The Poor Man's contains some worthwhile things, too. A good observation, for instance,

Jesus--left-winger with good press, therefore claimed by the right as a right-winger.

Vladster--right-winger with bad press, therefore certain to be claimed by the right as a left-winger.

and some damn good advice, too.

Us freedom hating liberals should trot out Jesus at every opportunity. We should all become Jesus freaks. Seriously. Why? Because then all the mouth-breathing "christians" out there will start to hate Jesus, and that would be awesome, because then we could just stop talking about Jesus and he would be left to people who don't snuggle their heads into their asses for warmth.

Also, we should be talkin' up "the troops" every chance we get. Everything is "for the troops" from now on. Why? Because then they'll hate the troops, which will make the troops hate them, and then the prez won't be able to do his all military base concerts no more because they'll boo at him and maybe shoot him.

Everything the yahoo's claim as their own that is a decent thing in theory we need to love, love, love all the time. All it takes is "us" loving something and "they" will hate it.

Let's go love us some Jesus.

And so in honor of Baby Jesus's birthday I'll leave you with several opening couplets of...

A Poem for the Season

Put that stocking on your head
Keep your brain merry and dead
Yack that crap about swaddling clothes
Don't Our Lord have cute little toes?
The Baby Jesus is come to save you
And Xmas debt to well enslave you
He's soft and cuddly and roly-poly
Even his little poopy's holy!
Just listen to his words of wisdom:
"Goo-goo, ga-ga, boo-boo, bim-bum"
Down to Earth the Lord dispatched him
(They say a lady unnaturally hatched him)
And as he grew, he got real preachy
Soon his life turned not-so-peachy
When he told the minions how to live
("Say 'please' and 'thankyou,' and forgive!")
The Romans found him too political
He exposed the thieves and hypocritical
And so they nailed him to a cross
They showed that nice Jew boy who's boss!
When after a couple of centuries passed
All the gossip was amassed
And Jesus Christ became a book
(That eternal life was quite a hook)
Thus began the Christian story
Two-thousand years of killing gorey
But never mind the blood and sufferin'
Jesus's name is just like Bufferin!
For all sad folks so scared of dyin'
The Bible says go stop your cryin'
For when this mortal coil shuffles
You fly to heaven with nary a ruffle!
&sdot &sdot &sdot

There are so many great lines...I especially love this one:

Toast the King of Kings in diapers
And pray for all the Army snipers

Happy Nubbins Day!